The Unwanted Wife--Part One

As you may have assumed, this is about my struggles as a soon to be divorced wife and my struggles of feeling unwanted and rejected.  I intend to journal my thoughts as I progress down this lonely and thorny path of separation from the man I thought would be my forever someone.  If I can glean meaningful insight from my ramblings, that would be great.  If not, at least I do not have these negative and destructive thoughts running in my mind.  My end goal is healing the crater that is my heart.

I met him online because of a mutual interest.  He found my website and e-mailed me.  I found his initial email interesting.  He was and is well educated, eloquent and seemed so friendly.  He told me about his life and that he had been recently widowed.  Of course, I was touched and saddened for him. For the sake of anonymity, I'll call him Melvin.  Melvin was young, around twenty-seven, and his equally young wife had been sick. Sick enough to be on Medicare and sent to an out-of-state facility where she died.

We had begun sending correspondence and got to the point where we had movie date nights on Skype.  We really hit it off and decided we needed to meet.  I bought tickets for him to visit.  We had our first real date and the chemistry was off-the-charts--he was an absolutely awesome man.  He proposed and I accepted on this trip.  At this point, we had been dating for several months.

Marry in haste and repent in leisure may be an applicable idiom for this situation.

We had several good years before the cracks began to appear.  One of them was the re-emergence of his ex.  A woman who--I'll be brutally honest here--molested him when he was sixteen and she was thirty-four.  A woman who he is totally unable to quit.  A woman who only wants him to be happy if she controls that happiness.  She is a sexual predator and an emotional sadist who has an intense need for a plaything to control.  She doesn't deserve a name.  Not even a fake one.  The woman will serve my needs just fine, as I'm not planning on discussing her much past this initial post.

I tried to tell him over and over again that she was not healthy for him or our relationship. He did not listen.  Then they sexted.  I loved him so I forgave the incident.  I should have forbade him from talking to her ever again.  But I thought it was a simple mistake.  The only mistake was on my part; the woman was a threat to our intimacy and there is never room for a third person in a marriage.

I believe now he would have continued to talk with her behind my back.

It was this time that I began to shut down.  This divorce is not just his fault.  I played my part as well.  I stopped listening to him and made some unwise financial decisions which lead to my declaration of bankruptcy. I stopped finding him as sexually attractive. (The woman probably had something to do with that, but I'm wandering off course.  Nothing turns a wife on more than a husband talking with an ex-lover/abuser.)

In short, we became disconnected with each other.

Part Two to come.  (I need to rest.  I work nights and now it's time for me to grab some zzz's.)